=' )

2008-07-15T14:09:00.003+08:00

Tanning alone is love (:

Remember about the mistake i've done?
The one i mention no one knows, no one would ever acknowledge?
Well, its all over FOR GOOD!
Im really not a player, i dont wish to be one at all! I can never handle.
Sorry for leaving you in silence once again.
My mistake for allowing history to repeat.
PLEASE DONT FORGIVE ME. sob*

Why genuine and pure friendship not happening between man and women?
Why must i always face this kind of problem?
This shouldn't be a problem at all at the first place!
GUYS!! is being friend with me that difficult?

2008-06-19T17:05:00.002+08:00

What a disappointment.
I've missed the adidas sundown marathon.
Wonder when's the next upcoming marathon?
People. if anyone happen to come across this post and u've any idea or info regarding.
Dont mind gmail me the details.
Most appreciated. (:

Yoga lin you jia's album is out in Singapore!
WOOHOO!

Im now in a situation wrby no one wud ever acknowledge.
Of course no one knows. Except for *thia (:
However the truth will eventually surface. Its just a matter of time.
Im waiting for the right time. I needed more time. Time shall give me a clearer answer.
Sorry to say hurting you guys are unavoidable.

Lance O Lance~
You Jerk~` zzz
Anyhow tat odd timing call was from me.

2008-06-09T00:30:00.000+08:00

Have been away from my blog for some time. Many times i wish i could just pen down my emotions my thoughts my misses, the real me up here. However the consequences is going to be too hard for me to face. So i rather not. After all such intention , such feelings will soon fade away. Come to think of it its never a must to pen everything down at that very moment. Its never worth the risk.

Anyhow, here i am finally coming back here to write something.
Not for anyone im sure. Purely here to kill some boredom.

3 weeks back i meet with a RTA. It was midnight, after one of our majour fight.
We both were injured of course, nothing to the extreme. We're really lucky.
Leaving behind some cuts, and really huge abrasions = more scars! Darn!
Anyhow, we're cool. Not blaming anyone wadsoever. Life indeed is damn fucking fragile. Making me wonder if thats the case all along. Why ain't i living my life happy?
NO why i guess. I simply CANT..

So, i've been a homely girl lately. No more clubbing no more frenz meeting. ZERO. Basically just having DVD's marathon straight after i knock off from work, even during off days. I'll be just stuck to my TV set till bf book out from camp.
We'll than cook and have dinner together, shower, sleep.

Sad to say bf still prefer being down graded. Trying all ways and now he's mr storeman. No more mr commando bf. CAnt believe that's what he really wanted all along. What a waste. Training so hard, getting sliver wing airborne and stuff. Now giving everything up for storeman? Man! i can never understand.
Well at least now he's able to book out.

American's Next Top Model is back and "The Contender" its awesome!
A must watch!

This days. To be exact, all along my misses for SW is still there. A on off thingy. This very moment i just wanna be honest with myself.

I really do misses him alot alot. Many time i would imagine if we're still tgt, we'll definately make a loving and happy couple. We would even make a really wonderful husband and wife. He's so like the guy for me. He loves me unconditionally, he knows how to cook, tidy the house, treating me nice, well making me feel like a princess. This apply to B as well. Afterall, they are both who once love me so truly, so dearly, so obviously. Yet, i choose to walk away. Initially hurting them. But the actual fact is, the pain the hurt were even more intense in me.
Many times i ask myself why i still misses them? why i still feel the soreness deep down my soul? Even when i've my bf here with me. This should not be happening at all. BUt my mind just went blank.
I cant seems to find the right answer to fit into such a question.
Cant believe this is happening to me after so long. It felt like some kind of soul consuming spell. It hurts and it keeps forcing me to picture how much happier i would be if im with SW.
And at times it will force me back to the happy moments i have with B. It brought me back to the wonderful, happy memories during at work in the kitchen station.
Those were the days i would labeled as HAPPY.

Then i would ask myself.
You mean your not happy now?
You have a bf always with you.
Yes. I've not been extremely happy till date.
How pathetic. YES I AM.

With bf we're like old old couples. like as though we're married for many years. Very routine at times veri domestic conversation. I dont share with him my problems at work. The problem in me , hiding inside me all along. I dont speak to them regarding that. I just cant. He's not the man who can help who knows how to console who knows how to make me feel better. He simple cant. So i cant share either. How sad. IM SAD!

Maybe the culprit is MONEY. Maybe because we're always so worried about money. Maybe because im supporting him for now. MAybe money hurts feelings.
WIth him i worried about how money is spent, if money is enough for the both of us, worried about transportation fees, meals, domestic goods. (if you remember im currently living all by myself, bf sleeping over, mom went back to Indo)
Everything X2, if you could picture a NSF pay all drawn to clear debts. Nothing left for me. For us!

I've NO PRESENTS,
NO SURPRISES,
NO ORGANIZED OUTING/ACTIVITIES,
NO DINING,
NO CELEBRATION for a loooong looonnng time!

Most importantly,
I DONT FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS ANYMORE.

Is he the one??

Oh, and to add on my failure record.
Not too long ago, i signed a verbal and written warning document back at work.
People cut telling me i perform well, im efficient, im good. When on the other hand you fucking dont sympathies to what i've mention ,m goin through during that very short period. Anyhow, Im cool with that as well.
Just gonna take its as this is not the right place for me.

Fucking gonna get my ass off the company once i get hold of that card.

HUMANS ARE THE MOST AMAZING CREATION ON EARTH.

Its makes me feel disturb !

And please! Why are ppl keep asking me to join airline. What the point keep saying i hould be there, its should be my calling. I can make it there. Even going to the extreme by saying you will help me get in no matter what. Ah, piss off!

Goodness me. Im so sick of hearing such.
How can they make it sound so easy, so simple?
Are they brainless, nutz or something?
I know how many pound i weigh, I've heard of the criteria
Yes! its always my wish to be in the airline.
BUT I JUST DONT FIT IN.

Same thing over over again makes me feel so lousy!

*pardon for the errors. im too lazy to amend.

2008-04-16T00:40:00.002+08:00

Radiohead- CREEP

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I 'm a creep, I 'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

She's running out again
She's running out ....

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special...
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here.

2008-03-07T16:26:00.004+08:00

wadthefk.. im feeling so fking lethargy right now. all of a sudden there's this hatred boiling in me. its feeding on my flesh, its drilling holes into my organs . fking hate the feeling of being helpless, weak and useless. FKING SHIT. GAWD

money matters
looks matters
figure matters
education matters
health matters
career matters

SUPERFICIAL. oh gawd

if you always do what
you've always done, you'll always
get what you always got

happy moving on
BOY STINKS. FKING SHIT.

2008-03-04T02:13:00.002+08:00

I almost die on a particular day last week. The headache just struck, nausea, muscle ache, body cramps, joint pain. Its like wadafuk name it all! It was goddamn torturing. Totally screwed up my entire day. I was fuking cranky the whole day. Simple little things like mom asking me if she shud prepare my share for dinner can actually pissed mi off big time. The sunlight shining into my room, the wind from the fan, can actually agitate me to the core. Nausea all the way like godknowswhy.

Anyhow i slept throughout.

He did came along trying to make me feel alittle better. Like godknows if he really did try his best?! So as usual i'll find excuse for him; yes, he did tried his best maybe he's not the kind who knows how to care for others; goodness im his gf he doest know HOW? Fine, i'll go on telling myself tat maybe he's not mature enough sensible enough to respond appropriately. Ok fine, afterall he did came over and tried his very best?! Ya! YA! YA! So, i forgive him.

Still it makes me wonder why on earth am i stuck wif someone like him who doesnt know how to make me feel better when im sick. Yet i still haf to pardon him.

Ya, Im a stupid lady!

As usual things just doesnt seems to work well between us. However, somehow i just dont seems to know how to put the word LET GO into action?!!
He make me cry like SHIT, he make me say out all the nasty crude words, my blood boil a million time, BP shoot up, HR shoot up, the atmosphere turn fuking shitty. Yet i can just forgive him all over again. Again and again. Wadafuk man!! Goddamn bloodsucker!!

Ok, stupid lady!

Thank god, his court fine are almost coming to an end. Hopefully he will be able to clear all external debt as well and be debt-free so i can have mine back asap. Its like donno how many donkey mths i last went for my braces appointment. I really need the cash man. He fuking dont see the point. argh. Im fuking gonna get it frm the doc. Fuking SHIT!

And my dearest Mommy just dont understand my situation. She's so unwilling to compromise. Im like in such shitty state she still demand me to give her money every mth without fail. Why cant she sympathize? faint~

Although things dont seems to go my way, life still bitter as ever. Im glad i've ppl out there trying to make its a little sweeter n happy for me.

Lets not talk abt my birthday, bcuz everything was screwed up. Fuking useless him fuking meaningless day.

Counting from my birthday onwards i took a total of 8 days AL. On leave and still get paid = partial happiness. (: Really thx for the ppl who make my leave a happy and enjoyable one.
Get to know a number of new frenz. Of course im not happy bcuz i know new ppl, its actually the fun and excitement tat make my day, i've learn to belive tat new frenz are kinda like a one nite stand thingy. Bcuz such frenz definately belongs to the hi-bye category so why bother investing all ur love emotins into such so call frenship? Anyhow such hi-bye frenz do make a difference. Thx for the fun! (:

However there's something tat make my leave much more worthwhile, its definately the catching up wif old frenz. Its the best! Having meals, cycling, movies, shopping, partying with old frenz are most precious and genuine!! (:
Im extremely glad and contented to still have you ppl around to brighten up my life.((:

Its 3.50 am now. I still cant sleep. I know my dark rings are sure to get more and more serious, no one is gonna love a panda evonne. But this apologetic feeling is keeping me up till now. So. i've decided to let you know tat im really sorry for not showing up on tat day. Im extremely sad bcuz i din get the chance to taste the spag you make for me, pls its not as thou im greedy or wad. It's bcuz ur intention of cooking for mi actually moved me. Its not like im being moved so easily. Its just tat somehow or rather i could sense the love n concern frm ur intention. I wish i cud taste your spag; your love. However, if we cud turn back time i wud have made the same decision once again. Bcuz i do not want any mistakes to take place between us. I still believe not showing up at ur place is the rite thing. Sorry Lance! (:

2008-02-23T06:06:00.003+08:00

Say today is my lucky day. I saw the girl after me. Evonne you totally overrated her. C'mon von go on and give a pat on your shoulder. Your a wonderful girl. Have faith girl. (:

So, its the same old breakup lines. Pathetic bullshitter.
RONALD LESMANA your a nah bei motherfuking CHEATER!! I totally cant believe someone like you studying in NUS is still licking his mother's pussy and watching his dad doing the scrotum dance. Fuking get a life you fucked up bustard. Your definately old enough to rule your own life and make wise decision. MOMMA'S BOY.
Fuking piece of SHIT.

2008-02-22T17:30:00.002+08:00

a motherfuking insect sting my left upper eyelid last nite during my slp, now its SWOLLEN!!!

spell SHIT. argh~

2008-01-31T23:38:00.000+08:00

We quarrel almost every minute every second, washing my face with tears every single night. From the moment our eyes meet till we actually close our eyes and go to sleep. Over the most basic thing on earth. All thanks to our different up bringing, attitude towards life, mentality. How funny it may seems, we freaked out and make up like daily routine. It spell TORMENTING!!

I wish you could be my motivation, my strength, my energy source of my daily life.
Such feelings are present in my past relationship but why isn't it visible now, here between you and me? After all we've been through so much.

Prove to me that its not a mistake for me to choose you.
Will you?! MY LOVE~

2008-01-23T14:03:00.000+08:00

Mom was rite i've been sucha fool, trying to help him in return i suffer so much. She's rite abt him not being my husband and yet i still choose to carry his problem on my shoulder n neglect my own brother. She scolded me for not being wise. She mention tat guy shud be the one helping his lady. The lady will only lend a helping hand when the guy is her husband.

However there's one thing she don understand. Brother has my mom's help even if i did not chip in. As for my guy he doesnt. He's all alone all by himself. I, too don like the idea of helping him, especially the kind of mistake i can never sympathise to. Fucking making myself looking so pathetic. I can uderstand y mom reacted in sucha way. She is so damn rite tat if i don help my bf i wont look tat bad. Not loaded of course, at the least not penniless.
Yet, i dont haf a choice. I choose him, i agree to stick ard wif him so i have to help him. So much so i hated it.

My eyes feel so sore
I cried too hard

PS: Sorry Des for all the waiting.

2007-12-31T18:47:00.000+08:00

Photo slides i've made in the past.
This shall mark the end of my 2007..
BYE~

CHEERS!! =*)

Create Your Own

2007-12-31T17:18:00.000+08:00

My WANTS for 2008 :-

clear all my debts as well as dearest debts ASAP!! (DEBTS FREE!!)
have more cash for my beauty needs and leisure wise.
try out shisha!!
lose fats!! Goodbye to FAT arms/tummy/FACE!!!
clearer complexion!! (not asking to be pimple-free but lesser pimple/scars/darkrings)
be loved, respected, taken care of by others MORE!! (im not usually tough deep down)
dearest will be more sensible, grown up, responsible, capable (i wish to be free frm 'babysitting')
dearest will be fine-free, trouble-free!! PLEASE~
be a HAPPIER person (truly happy!! in-out-left-right)
communication wif ppl including mom will improve. (NO MORE misnderstanding n PLS stop misinterpret my intention)
blessed with everlasting/true frenship!! *pray*pray
GOOD HEALTH for me n my family as well as to whoever come in contact wid me.
LOVE myself MORE. (hearts GOD)
190208(20th bday) May it be a wonderful, memorable n an important one. (:
Achieve DIP CERT/PR!!
back to sports!! ( i miss the sunkissed fitness)
an aura of beauty~ *muackz

LOOk!! 2008 im so looking forward to ur arrival!! (:
EVONNE shall not be disappointed yah..

(3 more hrs to work)
(6 more hrs to 'nude' year!!) =D

with love
VONNE* 1800hrs

2007-12-31T08:30:00.000+08:00

woohooo.. im so soo happy to be home!!
Its been a hectic nite shift duty.. Its GE season.. Paeds r coming in one by one.. Just wad is wrong wif them?
After effect of Christmas??!! Mayb =X

Well oh well, ppl haf been asking me wads ur plan for 2008 new yr countdown?
Pls ppl.. stop rubbing salt on my wound..
Now im telling you i'll be counting down in the hospital.. Im on nite duty..
Thx to all the sweety for the invitation.. You guys haf fun ya (:
Anyhow i'll still be able to see fireworks @ my work place.. Heard tat its really gonna be a clear view..
We shall see =D

Alrite.. needa go..
Seriously.. feel like puking. I've this craving for hotcakes so i actually stuff 2 box of h.c into my throat.. I feel so sick now.. =X

Wash up and off to dreamland
Nite world~

Cai Hong(tell me? how can we stop loving jay.. he has all my fav songs.. hee.. But i've yet to get his album.. sigh)
VONNE* 0945hrs

2007-12-30T18:14:00.000+08:00

My cell was vibrating while im half way thru feeding the baby in the nursery. The other hand on the receiver attending to a patient hu called frm her room. You able to picture??
Quickly attend to the patient over the phone, hang the phone still wif the baby in my arms+ milk bottle i reach for my hp in my pocket juz to receive a call like this : "hello is this evonne?"
I said "yes" obviously, and tat asshole guy mumble something to his fren n hang the phone.. WTF!!??
Private number yah.. You jerk!! I bet earlier on ur the same guy hu called asking me if i've called you earlier on.. Funny uh..
I did not make any out goin call you say i call you.. moreover i don haf ur contact in my cell.. 985218** SICK~
If you haf something for mi juz say.. dont haf to come up wif such joke.

Rain.. rain go away come again another day~
You'r making me lazy ZZzzZzZzzzz!!

Im on night shift today n tml.. there goes my NEWYEAR 2008 countdown..
No fireworks for mi, no party, no alcohol, no crowd, no music, no kisses, no huggies, no warmth, no nth..
Im in the hospital with newborns (:

I've FAT arms!!
Its definately the side effect of dragon boating.. haaa :X

Many many pitures to upload.. will find time (:

Btw, went zouk on 261207, marks the end of 2007 mambo nite.
On 241207 Kiss-mas eve celebration at db mate zhihao's place, later part went over to fort canning with dearest n fren to cdc( chill, drink, chips) haa..

off to shower n get ready for work

the littlest thing
VONNE* 1850hrs

2007-12-28T19:40:00.000+08:00

2007 is soon coming to an end. If you were to ask mi to sum up this year. I can juz say i never like this year a single bit, it has been a tiring year, a stressful year for me..
All of a sudden the song "im not a ger not yet a women" is playing up in my mind.. I wonder y..

I've so so many things up in mind, many things coming up in life. To the extend at times i just feel like putting everything down, letting go. Off my shoulder, off my mind, off my heart n juz leave this never-seems-to-be-kind-to-me world quietly peacefully.. However, hu on earth told mi tat leaving this world i'll find peace n quietness?
I kne it veri well.. a sinner like mi will definately have a hard time when i die.. sad uh.. Im so sad.
Neither loved here nor there.

So far work is manageable. If you ask mi if im happy there i can say happy once in a full moon.. Not tat bad actually.. at least its not once in a blue moon you see.. haa..
POsitive.. Yes!! Im working on my way there..
Working life is definately cruel, stressful, tiring.. To make things worse is when u aint the highest position there, so ur not human.. N my salary!! Goodness gracious!! LOW LOW LOWLY PAID. Sigh.. With tat pathetic hard earn blood money i need to give some to mom, support my daily living, my beauty needs (braces), clear my debts(trust me ook, its my greatest wish n accomplishment to settle all my debts.. trust me im working hard on it. Sympathize pls ppl!!), clear dearest court fine, debts, some daily expenses.
Ok blame hu?? Blame urself Evonne Ng!! You choose this path. Your sick in ur mind, ur ass, in every single part deep inside ur bone.. SICK SICK SICK..

I really do wish to take short cut in life.. Im really tired if you ppl r too blind to notice.. Now im spelling out to you.. IM REALLY T. I. R. E. D..
I do have the tot of settling down soon n fast.. Grab hold of any man hu is stable in income, stable in career, stable in life, stable up in the mind and juz get marry.. I'll juz stay home cook for the family, have kids, bring them up, educate them.. Every single day think of dfferent dishes to cook for my hubby.. If i haf kids i'll committe my whole life, attention to them.. I'll work hard in educating them to be a happy kid, a leader.. I wan my child to be successful to be loved n respected by ppl.. To be someone useful, educated, capable.. Ahh.. Juz the opposite of mi will do..Gee.. And most importantly i don haf to worry abt money.. Hubby will earn it.. N my greatest wish is to haf a family which is real inout left right.. Communication, time, bonding, outing tgt is very very important!! A complete one with father, mother, siblings, grandparents, cousin, uncle, aunty.. (unlike mine)
HOw to find?? Yawnz~

Know something.. I've this kitchen staff at my working place.. Her hubby is earning 4K yet she still wanna work as a food server whom only earn 800+.. Its not like her hubby torture her don gif her money or way.. NONO.. Her hubby gave all the 4K to her.. she's responsible in managing the money.. WOW!! She haf a 3 yr old boy..
Well if im her i don bother working man.. I rather be a full time hsewife.. Providing 1st class love n attention to my hubby.. 1st class up bringing for my boy in educational, play n health wise.. Top class ook.. haaa..
She's damn blessed!!
Wad melt my heart is not the 4K the hubby is earning n allowing her to take charge all the money.. Its when she say "i know my hubby love me alot alot, very very much" AWWW.. tell mi how many women on earth will actually say something like tat abt their hubby? They will either say "ok lor", "not bad" .. Even if they were to say something like tat kitchen staff its definately putting up a show.. You get the picture..
I also wish tat in future i'll haf the chance to shout out loud to the whole world exactly like how she say abt her hubby..haa.. Enuff said..
I'll wait for tat one fine day ya dearest.. (:

To you..
If by chance you come across my blog this is for you..
I really don haf the intention of replying ur smses.. N i'll try not to.. Seriously i cant be bothered with a guy like you.. I need to be frank.. I never want to trust a single word you said out.. Seems like puke to mi.. I don wanna belive tat ur misses ur love for me is true.. Not frm a guy hu actually make out wif gers in clubs.. N definately not guys like you hu whine abt her already hist gf, ex gf, ex ex gf.. wadever shit.. i don want to care.. Guys like you say a thing n meant another juz go away.. far far away.. If your really tat genuine pls go back to church.. Cut all the fake crap.. I simply hate guys hu say misses loves to many many diff gers.. So wad ur misses n loves r free of charge.. Im not accepting it.. Sorry for saying such a thing.. I wanted to belive you.. But i juz cant seems to convince myself.. YOU SOUNDED REALLY FAKE in ur blog entry, your sms to mi, our past conversation.. You can lead the way you want, juz don come any closer before i shoot all this at ur face.. it wont be nice.. TC!

Lastly i wanna welcome 2008 wif open arms.. PLease dont disappoint me.. For once smpathise and love me alrite.. haa :*)

off to prepare dinner

much love
VONNE* 2100hrs

2007-11-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

thou im kinda slow at it..
still it came as a shock to kne the death of this 5 singaporean rowers..
i cant explain y but my heart aches to the max upon hearing such news..
we r so rite to say tat life is fragile... so so fragile..
yet ppl r taken for granted every single day..
wad to do??
its human nature..

R.I.P

2007-11-11T13:15:00.000+08:00

my lifes' a fuking rollercoaster ride..

seen doctor..
its tension headache

so looking forward to the vertical marathon, paid n registered..
end up not attending.. some shit happen..

the fuking money eating ezlink card is driving me crazy.. OMG!!

weirdo out there using al my pictures claiming tat the ger in it which is ME is actually her.
a pic taken wif joyce was written as "me and jen".. CLASSIC~
im wondering who the hell is "jen"?? muahaha
all thanks to this ger by the name VIVIAN CHEN!!
Glad its over.. Things settle fast and clear cut.
I don mind getting to kne new frenz but pls don haf to do all tis.. ITs CREEPY arite..

pathetic hard earn money spend like water.. fast n invisible .SIGH

it suck to the core to haf debts under ones name.

c'mon panda eye!! leave me for once!!... SHOOSHOO

signing off
fat and ugly potential PSY von.

2007-11-03T11:33:00.000+08:00

Once i've read an article abt opposite attracts.
It says, in this world, how much is commom can we find in a person when we are all being brought up in a total different way, different family background. Almost everything are uniquely different.
Therefore, we tend to get attracted to someone hu is very much different frm us; character wise, behaviour wise, interest wise, status wise, familybackground wise, mindset wise, lifestyle
wise.
Whe we are different the curiousity in us rises. We get so interested in one another, wanting to know more, wanting more of tat person. The attachment will den grow stronger and stronger.

Yes, i admit at times i find myself extremely attached to him despite all the differences.
So, is tat wadwe call 'love is blind'?

Many questions start fooding my mind even at this hr (4am), when my mind is suppose to be sleeping/resting.

Just cant help it..

If 2 individual is so different the word 'compromise' comes in.

'Compromise' means 2 different opinions of 2 different individual comes to a win-win situation or a party decides to give in. Is tat how we define it??

Well, if r/s is all abt compromising 24/7, isnt it going to be too stressful n tiring?

I think tats the case for my r/s..

Our thoughts/decision always goes thru arguements den to the process of compromise..
?seldom/?never will we hit off wid the same thoughts/decision..

Y is it so??

Because we're far too different; to a large large extend?

So wad m i suppose to do abt it?

Letting go?? NO.. its definately not the solution. I insist..

So wad??

WHy is loving someone getting more n more exhausting?
Why am i being hooked up in a r/s wrby laughter, blissfulness seems so minimal?

holy shit.............

2007-10-28T21:49:00.000+08:00

the net is down.. tat explain not being able to update..

anyhow, for whomever it may concern.. evonne is fine!! (:

still kicking for sure..

however, i must say life is definately tougher w/o mom n bro by my side..

still, i'll find ways to keep myself occupy n be more positive towards life, towards my fate, towards my work..

lately haf been deployed to surgical medical ward, leaving my O&G department; comfort zone, not a veri good experience.. but im really glad i've made some new frenz.. Thx GOd!!

haf not been partying for awhile..
having a love/hate attitude towards nitelife..

2007-10-09T05:13:00.000+08:00

Im so in love wif today!! (081007)

MOnday is a HAPPY HAPPY DAY =*)

A pleasant working day.

Happy moment after work.

Enjoyable midnight. (Di da DiDi da Di) ^^

Splendid~

Love, von
MUACKZ (:

2007-10-07T19:05:00.000+08:00

...SMILE
and make it real
cause
just maybe
it'll be enough
to last for a life time... =*)

2007-10-01T22:44:00.000+08:00

cryng now

Nth to do wif my work.....
Just tat certain words coming out from certain ppl's mouth can be so hurting and heart-piercing!!
I wanted to hold back my tears so badly...
Seems like i CANT

evonne
let go...
please let go!!

i'll blog abt my 1st day of work some other time.. mayb when this crying spell decides to leave me for good..

2007-10-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

Hey ppl (: Thanks alot for wishing me best of luck for my 1st day of work.. (:

Truly appreciated!!

Hearts~ Jonathan, Lance, Szewei, Desmond, Joyce, Zhiwei, Junde......

NIGHT WORLD~

Certainly there's a sense of

awkwardness!!!!!!!!

between me and Carita... Its really really strong.. This feelings has been with me for quite sometime.. N i hate it so so much... I wanted to keep it to myself forever.. however its killing me deep inside.. I don understand why.. I wanted her so much, to lead me in to hear mi out to appreciate my presence.. yet time to time i get rejected in silence..

2007-09-30T02:33:00.000+08:00

certain misses n love r best left unspoken, for the good of you n mi, as well as others..

evonne.. you r doing great!!

All i need is someone who is able to treat me right...

Peace out~

2007-09-26T15:39:00.000+08:00

HOORAY!!! Im recruit!!
Im officially a nurse now, starting work on the 1st of Oct..

Its gonna be a start of a new beginning and of cuz a busy and fruitful one..(:
So i guess i wont even haf time to pay much attention to tat bitch who simply love barking nonsense..
Bark all you can!! Im not gonna entertain or get affected by ur childish assumption..
Shove it up your ass!!!

I've said enuff..
Seriously cant be bothered with such a brainless creature!!
Making a fool out of herself wif such comment you said abt me..
You kne fucking NUTZ abt anything, fucking living in ur own pathetic memories, fucking assuming things.. GO AHEAD!!

IM OUT~

Still, i'll like to wish you luck.. (:
May you turn ur pathetic memories into reality b4 you start having hallucination.. (:
If you were to go on hallucinating it wont do you any good my dear.. haa.. FUCKING GET YOUR FACTS RITE B4 YOU EVEN START BARKING LIKE SOME INSANE WHORE!!

THINK!! FOR GOODNESS SAKE.. Since its nv the 1st time such thing happen you ought to kne wad went wrong.. It does not look good on you if you were to blame other bitches for ur incapability instead of your own pathetic soul..

Hated so much to say such a thing abt you.. However come to think of it YOU ASKED FOR IT!!

HOLD ON TIGHT TO HIM N FUCK OFF!!!

wooo.. im running late..
*out-gyming n running (:

Adios~

2007-09-26T03:02:00.000+08:00

"wont you feel wasted to let us go? we love each other so much.. we think of each other all the time.. we kne we're meant for each other.. why lie to yourself and run away frm your heart.."

" cant you tell frm my eyes that i really love you and i am serious abt you.. how can you forget mi so quickly.. the memory of us dancing tgt keep coming back.. how can you forget mi so quickly.."

"laopo.. can you dont leave me.. i woke up feeling veri scared.. i really cannot live w/o you.. forgive this silly boy ba.."

YOU SAID ALL THIS TO THE WRONG PERSON, SOMEHOW IT APPEARS TO BE A PACK OF LIES TO ME!!

*peace out~

2007-09-26T00:14:00.000+08:00

Last night jog was pretty good.. (:

However someone doesnt like the idea tat im out for late nite jogging..

Welll.... shall see~

Anyhow tml will be out jogging as well as gyming!! (:

Glad to be back on track..

Love, Von

2007-09-23T01:15:00.000+08:00

Colourful pictures shall brighten up our days (:

2007-09-22T05:16:00.000+08:00

von
stop thinking and stop crying
juz go to bed

2007-09-22T02:55:00.000+08:00

Everyone has an earthly Father as well as a Heavenly Father..

For mi.. im not tat luccky..

Dad left mi when i was really really young...

In his eyes im definately not someone hu is worthless..

I dont deny tat i've lots of impefection; flaws..

Still, tats not a good reason for you ppl to say such a thing abt mi....

Do you kne how hurting n demoralizing it is to come across such conversation coming frm 2 total stranger, 1 hu is trying hard to prove his love for mi and one hu knows nth totally nth abt mi..

how scary has this world become!!

I dont live to please you, if you look down on mi there's nth i can do...

2007-09-22T01:53:00.000+08:00

i've nv felt so insulted in my entire life..

tarnishing my reputation as thou you haf the rites...

i may seems worthless, helpless n hopeless in your eyes but still you're got no rites to say such thing..

you kne fucking nuts abt mi, my life.. hu you think you ppl r!!!

if you ppl r so high up y even bother speaking abt this bimbo rite here...

jolly well tok to ppl of the same status as yourself..

call yourself a Christian!!!!

SUCK DICK!!!

yes, im vulgar... SO WAD?!!

sheesh! barbarians

2007-09-20T12:15:00.000+08:00

she left me a msg in frenster....

by rite i shud fuucking get pissed off or wadsoever, but i refuse to....

come to think of it she did nth wrong, she's juz trying to protect her r/s.

someone who dares to love deserve to be loved~

somehow this whole issue allows mi to realise wad a heartbreaker i'am back den....

wad if one day my bf left me for another ger, i doubt i can be like her.. so strong

i'll go crazy for sure

I kne nutz abt handling such situation

SIGH big time yaahhh~

FAther O Father.. I know your looking, your listening.. disappointed aint you..
Im disappointed as well.. in myself as well as in HIMM!!!

GUYS ARE A FULL TIME PLAYER N LIER!!!

HE TELL YOU ONE THING AND THERE HE GOES TELLING ANOTHER LADY ANOTHER..

WTF?!!!

I dont wanna think about it, anymore.

you think its possible?!!

Heart wrecking.

Gareth Gates-Too Serious Too Soon

I wonder where you where
I wonder what your thinking about tonight
I wonder
Maybe your alone
Maybe you've been crying just like me
I wonder
I don't know why I lost your touch
Maybe I wanted to be loved too much

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

It's been a rainy afternoon
Now I'm Staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

I told you every day
I told you every night in every way
I love you

Maybe you got scared
Maybe I have nothing else to say
But I love you
So baby now my life's a mess
Cause I'm
cos I couldn't love you any less

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

It's been a rainy afternoon
Now I'm Staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

Too soon
It's not right
It's not fair
It's in you baby cuts like a knife
what if you were the love of my life

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

we got too serious to soon
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
too serious too soon
I wanted you too love me

It's been a rainy afternoon
Now I'm Staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

2007-09-20T11:21:00.000+08:00

Im not gonna blame anyone for anything...

I believe yOu r place in my life for a reason, either to love mi or to hurt mi....

Bet your rite, either ways we shudn't be Too Serious Too Soon~

No worries....
I'll be fine!! =]

Christina-The Voice Within

ng girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you’re learning
You’ll find all you’ll ever need to know
(be strong)
You’ll break it
(hold on)
You’ll make it
Just don’t forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can’t do
No one can stop you, you know that I’m talking to you

Young girl don’t cry I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall

2007-09-20T03:24:00.000+08:00

juz got home..

SERIOUSLY... I FEEL LIKE CRYING!!!

CRYING OUT LOOOUUUUDDD KINDA CRY...

I WISH I CUD JUZ GO ON CRYING AND CRYING NON STOP..

I'VE NO IDEA Y MY LIFE SUX TO THE CORE!!

im really sorry Father..
but i reaaly hate myself, my life n fate....

i feel so lonely rite now...

y on earth did it turn out this way???

hate being tipsy.. FUck iT~

2007-09-19T00:55:00.000+08:00

Pardon mi for this..........

But my muthafukin body really hurt like F U C K!!

Feel like crying man..

Its like im having a hurt time undressing myself, washing my back, even lifting up my arms to wash my hair.. ARGH~ The body ache is killing me totally...

Have stop training for almost half a year and now im back to my training life.. Its really tough.. really requires tonnes of discipline..

I'll try to push myself harder..

Niwae, juz got back home frm supper.. (:

Many things coming up tml including my run..

Turning in~

NIght world~

2007-09-18T02:25:00.000+08:00

Aching here n there...

Feeling really tired yet cant slp..

Someone left mi speechless...
I wonder*

Anyhow, im turning in now... will force myself to..

Nite world~

Tml will be going for rounds n rounds of running as well as DB training. =]

2007-09-17T19:32:00.000+08:00

Badminton and gym today..

Rite now my entire body is shaking like nobody's business..

Shag Shag Shag~

Kinda depressing n disappointing..
Im so unfit now.. Sigh...
Haf been leading a total unhealthy life for a few mths..
Tat explain y recently i feel so fat n ugly abbt myself....

Anyhow, im not goin to let this carry on..

Now tat i've graduated means no more DB training for mi.. still, i must learn to be more discipline in keeping fit n healthy..

Soo... Im going back to my training life!!
I want my stamina back!! (:

GOOD NEWS!!!

Praise the Lord!! Once again, with God's grace everything seems possible!! I listen to the Almighty God by leaving all my problems and worries in your loving hands and Im so proud to say tat bcuz of my faith in You my Lord.. YOu solve my problems.. Bit by bit things r improving.. Thanks Father!! Thank You so so much!!
At last MOM approve to my appeal.. Im going for my medical check up soon, mayb tml.. May things get better and better frm now on.. (:

God's people are always the HAPPIEST~

Amen~

LOve~ (:

2007-09-16T18:22:00.000+08:00

Im not goin to be sad abt it anymore, when im still living on..

Enough is really enough..
I reaaly feel this way right now..

All my sufferings no one seems to understand clearly, expect myself n the ones hu had hurt me
Even so, wad can the person do?
Its like SO WAD!!?? WAd can you Do?
1 word : NOTHING~

Seriously life still goes on and eventually we will all move on.. Everyone agrees on tat..
Thou its all abt a matter of time.. how sad
However i always appear to be the stupidest freak on earth hu always take the longest time to forget n be healed...
Always deeply wounded..
Well its ok, its alrite~ Afterall hu cares... STilll....

I will learn to live my life much more happier even w/o u by my side.. :)

Afterall......

G o d i s t h e D J
L i f e i s t h e d a n c e f l o o r
=D

BACK~

Ferige-Big Girls Dont Cry

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

2007-09-08T23:06:00.000+08:00

At times really feel so sick and pointless toking to my mom
Cant haf a peaceful or clear communication
Find it so tedious to relate to her
Always bring me close to tears
Hate it to the core!!

Hope everything in my life will get better.. PLEASE

I haf faith in my Father God!! =)
If nth goes wrong i'll be back home soon..
Will be able to see my bro soon as well.. really miss him~

2007-09-05T23:51:00.000+08:00

suddenly i haf this thought...

if for the very next moment i stop breathing,
my heart stop beating and
i just die like this.....

how will you feel?

will you ever find out?

will you say you love me for the very last time?

2007-09-01T00:17:00.000+08:00

bullied by my relatives.. i don understand their behaviour their attitude.. i wanna be back in singapore, i miss my home back there..

i don like living here.. totally aimless

i reeally dont kne how to communicate wif my mom my relatives over here..

i wanna go back to church, i wanna be ard with my cell grp E345..

at once i crave to live alone with only God... even thou i fear of loneliness.. but,

i don wan to be blame for nth always..
im so tiired of being misunderstand and always trying to clarify things over and over again.. so sick!!
i feel so sick n irritated to face all those hypocrites in my life..

i need love, i need comfort, i need understanding, i need warmth, i need motivation, i need inspiration, i need someone hu can lead mi look after me..

from whom i can get all this from? besides my Father god..

2007-08-24T02:02:00.000+08:00

down with tears again. was on the bed, everyone was already soundly aslp. im all alone, all by myself once again.. forcing my eyes close. yet my tears is still able to flow down, all ove my cheeks, wetting the side of my hair, my neck, my bed sheet.. totally beyond control. no matter how hard i tried to shut my eyes tight, tears somehow has ways to escape out of my eyes. i cover my mouth with my hands, never to let out a single noise.. weeping so pathetically so quietly so torturing.. i reach out for the mp3, push in the ear piece into my ear. playing toni braxton album..its my fav. i cried even more uponing hearing the songs. my mind begin to wander.....

i realise lately i haf been pushing myself too much, telling myself tat he has been history, they r all history. i shud stop harming myself by looking back.. looking into the past.. i haf to stop thinking tat things will get better or we will be back again. i really haf to be cool in letting go of all my past. i haf to open my arms for a new start. repeating this to myself over and over again, till im always forced to tear..

i'm just not as strong as i think i am.

even just when i tell myself, you lose some and you gain some so as to make myself feel better everytime after i cry, now it dont seems to work anymore.

i still feel the pain. the pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
all the pain!

take me away
take me far from all heartaches, misery and pain
take away all the misses
take away my love for you
take away my urge for your touch

stop it
stop it
stop it
stop it
stop it

its hunting me down
its making me weak
its hurting me

how can you be so cruel to me
how can you ever leave me behide juz bcuz you think you're not good enuff
cant you work hard just for me for our future
y say your not the one hu can provide me
cant you prove to me tat you can keep to promises n your a resposible man
cant you treat me right
cant you give me more attention,more love , care n concern
cant you occasionally surprise me so as to make me feel important, pampered and precious
cant you once in awhile ask about my problem, my stresses, even if you cant help all i need is your concern your listening ears
cant you juz trust me more
cant you just treat me your girl

im weak without you
i miss you
imissmissmiss
really misses you

haf you been eating well
haf you been falling ill hafing fever again
haf you stop smoking
haf you trim your nails
haf you been cleaning your room washing your dirty clothes
haf you been slping well
haf you been obeying rules n stop getting sah-man
haf you been riding in the rain
haf you been saving up n clearing your debts
haf you been drinking lots of water
haf you been brushing your teeth b4 goin to bed
haf you been clearing your plates n cups after meals
haf you been missing me
haf you been doing well
haf you realise im not doing well
haf you realise tat im away
most imptly haf you realise tat i might not be able to see you ever ever again, i might even be a flight away frm you if things is still going on so negatively..

im really scared really really worried really frighten

Father are you mad at me? Father why is it just when you gave me some hope, some life, slight strength. you decided to withdraw out from my life? what mistake haf i done this time round? i kne deep down my heart i've not been pure. i told you i'll love only you, i surrender my whole heart n soul to you. yet my heart still think of him allowing my mind to wander over, to sin through my thoughts. i admit it. I'm sorry Father!! Please dont leave me behide. Father im sure you know it veri well tat i can never manage all this alone. Please be with me now and forever! Father please dont take away my only apportunity to secure mt stay in spore. Father i praise You for giving me this job in RH. i thank you for making it so easy to get a place there. i kne you brought this miracle into my life. but y didnt you bring me thru? y did You stay thru? y is it at the very last min you went away? Father please dont forsake me. Pull me thru! Give me you blessing, take me by your mighty hand. Bless me all the way. Please give me this one and only chance to prove it to you and to myself, as well as the ppl ard me tat im worthy. You r my Almighty God!! without your Grace im really nothing. Father, dont leave me hanging..

save me..
save me..
save me..
save me..
save me Father!!
You are our miracle maker!!
You create me, You heal me, You cleanse me, You protect me, You guide me, You empower mi with all positives!! Father i've come to an end or rather we humans; my mom,uncle n ppl haf come to an end whereby realy nth can be done.. we really really rweally did all we can all we shud all we cud. There shud not be any problem moreover the company haf already acknowledge me so wad is the matter with the MOM? Father can you see tat there'snth we can do.. I am really leaving all this to you!! Leaving all this problem into your Almighty Hands!! I truly blive in You. i trust You! I love You Father!! I know You will grant me just like how you grant me with the job contract after i speak to You the other time. Father You did all this bcuz You wanted me to speak to You? :) I apologise for not speaking to you for the past few days. My bad, my bad mistake!! Father i promise to speak to You more. Father, i really need your generosity, your forgiveness, your blessing!! Father, take me thru and i promise not to let you down. Please Father please!! This is my one andonly last hope. I love You Lord, my Holy Father!! Holy Spirit lead me in, allow me to be more focus when come to worship and praising the Lord, Jesus Christ. In Jesus Almight Hands and Loving name i pray. Amen Amen~

2007-08-18T02:43:00.000+08:00

Feeling emo all over again..

How i was i cud be like the ger in that korea drama i've watched recently..
Thru hallucination she meet her llove ones..
We haf not been seeing each other since tat veri day.. If only i cud be like tat ger.. Going insane and nv stop hallucinating abt ur presence..

I heard this in my dream : "i'm sorry there's so much i want to give you, but the only thing i leave you with is pain" and i was weeping so pathetically...

Bye ppl~

2007-08-17T15:25:00.000+08:00

I HEART E345 to the max!! Thou we only kne each other not more den a week i suppose.. but the frenship, the care n concern, the love r always in the air, its so pure and true..It feels really good when happiness is made obvious.. =)) E345 r made up of a bunch of peeps with diff personalities, outlook, fashion sense, family back grounds..however, all wif hidden problems, stresses in them.. Yet, they r forever cheerful, crappy, positive and happy-go-lucky!! So lovable!! Because WE are all God'd ppl.. =)) Its really a blessing to kne them and thx guys for the bon voyage card.. Veri sweeet~ ^^

**Carita.. thx for the blessing$... LOve~

2007-08-16T02:38:00.000+08:00

dislike loneliness, penniless, sadness to the core!! so almost every single day i'll be out.. will only return back home say.. the nx morning.... however today stayed home the entire day, alone..
not tat bad.. i guess once in awhile you will feel alot better when ur left alone.. obviously not all the time when one is still not strong mentally n emotionally.. bcuz devils will definately be in action.. invading into you.. but im glad tat thou today im all by myself things went smoothly.. I DID NOT CRY!! =)) Finally, i've stop crying...

Father..
I know your always there for mi.. I know tat you can hear me, see me... I wud like to thank you for giving me the strength to overcome my negative thoughts n feelings.. Thou, on off i can still feel the tightness over my chest, the crying bug trying to attack me.. But the faith i've for you take away all this.. Im able to recover veri quickly.. Thank you God!! I'll try to get a bible soon and begin my interaction with you.. And Father, i pray tat you can watch over him as well.. I pray tat he will haf a financial breakthrough.. May God always be there for him in time of crisis, watch over his health, his safety.. Empower him with wisdom and strength.. guide him and protect him.. N i pray tat his mom will fully recover frm the surgery, no more complication.. Lord, i leave my prayers in your Mighty Hands, for i kne tat you r our good God our loving God.. Father i love you!!
Amen~

Very soon i'll be away for a mth b4 i return back to Singapore.. Hope by den it willl be a turning point for me and of cuz a good beginning.. =))

*ILU~ JW for the very last time..

2007-08-14T01:12:00.000+08:00

13 Aug 07

Another 13 of the month..

It has always been the same..

LONELINESS~

Its oook..^^

In fact all along im the one looking forward to this special day..

I took the effort.. I care..

How abt you??

Doubt you even notice this date..... In the past, now, as well as in future..

Im ok =)))

2007-08-12T11:25:00.000+08:00

Shud stop pondering abt the past.. Shud juz let it pass.. I kne its not easy.. but im going to TRY!! All the past memories r juz suffocating me.. all the crying r causing me to fall really really ill.. Its not doing me any good.. Someone is really rite.. (devils' in action)

Im not going to seek for my love..

Looking back, realised tat the me before turning 18 was much much stronger mentally, physically n emotionally.. I choose not to be involve in any forms of r/s back den .. I used to blive tat w/o BGR i still can lead life as happening as those ppl hu r attached.. In fact, was more happy n carefree..

Being single i'll crave for lesser unnecessary stuff.. Im going to breakfree frm such sins.

From now on im going to haf enuff slp, exercise more, eat more healthily..
Eventually i'll be heal (HEALthy) : heal "thy"-you
Miracle will be bought upon me.. His is the Healer..^^
Afterall our body is the temple of God, we are all bought at a price, we should love our body take good care of our body ; glorify God!!

Von.. stay POSITIVE ook =))
Be happiee and leave everything in God's healing hand.. =))

Rite now the 1st thing i shud do is to look after the temple of God!! haaa..

And i wonder if there's a prayer wrby i can meditate on whenever those past memories strike me again???

off to cleanse myself under the holy water!! *knock*
off to shower i mean.. haa =P

2007-08-11T01:26:00.001+08:00

i don feel good at all..

shud not haf shouted at my mom

but i really hope one fine day she will somehow change her mindset...

she haf to kne tat she cant be rite all the time..

no matter wad.. its still my mistake..

sorry mom..

siighh~

2007-08-11T00:14:00.000+08:00

i have eyes to see.. ears to hear.. im not pushing God away!!!
I choose to stay in my past??!! You think its easy to juz forget everything.. Im a human.. a veri emotional, sentimental human.. I've been trying hard.. veri veri hard n tat explain y it haf been so painful for mi.. you think its juz a piece of cake to let go of ur past juz like tat?? im not tat heartless..

or rather.. i don haf the guts to let go.. im afraid of changes.. i dislike starting all over again when it comes to r/s.. i've no confident..

heard of the word dilemma..

the memories of the past.. happy moments.. sweetness stilll lingers ard the air.. i wish i cud go back.. be back to this heavenly moment.. tats y im holding on to it.. dwelling in it.. bcuz im afraid if i were to let go it will be another regret.. i dont want it to happen..

however this waiting.. this holding on to cuz mi to be badly wounded.. i wish i cud fuck care n juz let go of all this sufferings n move on..

im helpless..

y isit always so tough so tough so difficult so difficult to communicate wif mom when it comes to financial issue.. she don seems to understand.. always making it so difficult for me.. i hate myself not having the ability to express myself well enuff to her when it comes to such issue.. i feel so tired... so tired so tired so tired..

my tears juz keep rolling down own down dwown down downd down down down downdown down downd down down down down..

i feel so weak.. so helpless..

y cant she juz understand?? Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

y am i such a loser.. not studying hard in th past.. resulting all this.. waste all my time taking a longer n tedious route.. this path is too tiring for me.. this path is full of obstacles..

im only 19.. y muzt i go thru all this shit????

izzit true tat i suffer now.. n be blessed in future?!!!

can i not think of all this n be happy?!!

sigh~

2007-08-10T07:57:00.000+08:00

8:00am now.. juz reach home.. by foot..
once again im taken for granted..
cried over n over again..
i really pity myself at times..
i extremely hated myself..
when it comes to this.. y cant i be firm wif wad my mind is tellling me.. y am i always allowing my emotions to ruin me..

i WILL let go one day.. i WILL soon give up entirely..

come to think of it.. you caused mi the most pain n misery.. n its bcuz of you i've to go thru soo so much.. bcuz of you i've to damage my own body.. bcuz of you i've committed a huge huge sin..

however i tell myself never never to blame you..
i always tell myself tat you treat me the best.. you really understand me the best.. the love n faithfulness you haf for me is heavenly.. i blive tat no one on the planet is able to give me this kind of feeling.. i told myself tat God wanted me to be wif you.. bcuz we haf gone thru alot tgt.. even when i left you for a period of time.. its God ans for me to go back to you.. i tok to God and we're tgt again..i told myself its definately God's plan.. He wanted us to be tgt.. so i've always remain myself tat im going to stick wif you forever despite all the disappointment you've given mi.. i may get madd at you.. but its not frm the heart.. my heart always tells me to forgive you.. my heart tells me to be sorry.. tat explain y i've given you countless of forgiveness.. said countless of sorry... Seems like when it comes to you i became weak.. all my life principle were thrown to the back of my brain.. i don haf the heart to blame you enitrely.. i don haf the heart to angry you for long.. many times i've said really harsh word.. yet i've nv keep to any.. Y? i donno y.. to be frank you r not even the one hu is able to gif me a good life.. provide me with love n financial support at the same time.. but i still love you so dearly..

yet.. over n over again you dont kne how to appreciate n treasure me truly..

yes... ive done you wrong.. hurting you making you feel insecure.. but i've been doing all my best to amend ever since my return.. or rather i've given my 100%.. entirely!!

Y r you always so blind..

When ever i think of you.. i'll cry.. i juz cant stop myself frm missing you n loving you..
I dont want to cry every single nite/day.. I dislike it..
I dont wish to cry till i go blind.

Father..
I beg you to free me from all this misery.. Tell me tat i only need your touch, your love.. your holy love.. Free me from lust.. Cleanse mi.. for my body is all yours.. Show me the way to your kingdom.. empower me wif all your strength so my motivation will nv run dry when it comes to serving you.. You!!.. my only Lord..

2007-08-09T01:11:00.000+08:00

Im so sick and tired of waiting for ur call, ur sms.. im really missing u real bad.. every single min every single sec i wish ur by my side.. hugging you, feeling the warmth frm ur body.. holding onto ur hand.. resting my head on ur chest, ur shoulder.. i miss ur touch, ur voice, ur smell.. i miss every single thing abt you.. i kne you do care n misses mi.. i even kne tat ur love for mi is always there.. its the same.. my love for u is nv ending despite all this pain, waiting n misery u've bought upon mi.. sometimes i really wonder wad is it tat im holding so tightly onto.. when at times i juz feel tat ur always pushing mi aside.. thou it may seems unintentional.. but its really bothering mi.. i feel really helpless.. i felt the emptiness in mi.. the feeling sux.. really sux big time.. whenever the thought of u not spending more time wif mi.. feeling tired always, wanting to slp.. having lots of problem, feeling stressed up yet not willing to open up totally n share wif mi.. it truly hhurts.. i wish i could juz give up.. i wish i cud be happy.. the real kind of happy.. i wish i cud stop crying.. however i kne its nv possible.. my heart is forever aching.. my heart is bleeding.. my tears is forever rolling down my cheek.. i really don feel good at all.. Im not pissed at you or wadsoever.. im not even demanding much frm you.. i juz hope you cud make ur love n concern for mi more obvious.. ...... ...... ..

Father
I hate to cry.. it cloud my vision.. it stops my mind frm functioning normally.. I dont want to cry anymore.. I wish you cud juz brain-wash mi.. Its so painful.. its a torture... Father pls gif me the courage n strength to give up.. take mi away frm him.. take away my pain.. Im in pain really in pain..

2007-08-03T04:03:00.000+08:00

All time fav song back den till now..forever..

enuff of crying..turning in.. its 4.45am rite now.. morning/nite world~

2007-08-03T03:12:00.000+08:00

Father...
I'm coming to you as a sinner..pls pardon mi for all the grammer/spelling error.. my eyes r flooded with tears, overrunniing nose.. Im here,sinful, complaining, unclean, crying, hatred, pain, regrets..Im sorry i've been so bad n evil.. However im humble rite now infront of you. Father i truly want you in my life..Holy spirit pls guide me away frm all the lust, pain,misery.I want no more of this. Show mi the rite path. Lead mi into your world.Embrace mi with all ur love. I surrender to you Lord. Cleanse me, guide me, love mi, empower me with strength and courage to go on living. Being able to live, to be living is good. Though earth i a sinful place. with God's love i will overcome everything tat is trying to harm me or ruin my life.. God im so so tired deep down..im so so weak deep down.. i so so want to end all this.. i so so cant stop crying.. Father i only have you in my life.. rite now i've no one to confess to.. there r no kind soul out there who seems to understand my pain, heartache, the torture, the scream in me.. Or haf you send anyone to me? Mayb im too sinful to see their presence.. So pls Father clear my vision.. take away all my negative thoughts, attitude and behaviour.. Allow me to see the one you haf actually chosen to help you in leading mi into your kingdom.. Father.. i belive tat in your eyes im beautiful.. Y i don seems to feel beautiful at all? Lately i feel tat im really ugly and dirty.. attracting really ugly n dirty ppl into my life.. Father can you pls take this ppl away frm mi.. I know i have to worship you.. deep dwn i kne i needed you badly.. but somehow or rather there's this huge force pulling mi away frm you whenever the thought of having you in my life.. the force is powerful n its hhurting me.. Father, can you speak to mi? show mi the path to unlock all this misery.. No more challenges for mi for the time being.. You haf given mi too much causing me to be badly wounded.. Father i need to recover.. Please take mi in.. Give mi the power to visit you and praise you my lord.. Have you been calling me? take mi to your church.. show mi ur ppl.. make mi one of them. God.. show me you care.. give me some hope.. watch over me.. With your love i'll be positive, i'll get my job b4 my visa expire, with ur love i'll learn to love myself and my body even more, with your love my body is cleansed, with your love i'll be at church worshiping you.. singing ur song with ur fellow followers.. we will merge as one in ur kindom of forgiveness n love.. With this i surrender to you with all my heart n soul starting frm now.. in Jesus name i pray.. Amen!

2007-08-03T02:00:00.000+08:00

i cried last nite.. infront of a stranger..

mistakes

it sux!!

i cried again tonite..

he said:

"i used to love to eat chicken rice frm a stall.. but the owner move away.. den i still eat the same chicken rice frm the same stall.. but the taste is not the same.. although its still chicken rice.. but somehow there is something missing.."

he used to be wid this ger whom he loves alot.. she went away, left him, hurt him.. she came back again.. he is still seeing this ger.. its the same ger.. but somehow there is something missing..

y ask the ger wad is missing..

you kne it

the missing thing is call LOVE..

let mi tell you... ur LOVE for tat ger has gone missing..

ger..
can u see tat indirectly ITS THE END

ger..
juz lett go of everything this time round.. mayb the pain, all the worries, all tthe crying will soon be gone tgt wif it as well..

touch ur chest/heart.. feel ur teardrop..

Grieves..

Lett Go...

yes.. unwanted.. but inreturn u will gain peace..

2007-07-30T01:17:00.000+08:00

she said it so rite...

when anticipation turned to disappointment, i wished i didnt see him again.

I wished i forgot how is it like to miss somebody.

why plan when ultimately none of my plans work out the way i planned. Why set goals when reality differs from dreams?

Im not saying its not good to plan, i fancy people who plans for their future. But when i think further based on my own experiences, i really dont know why i made plans earlier on when nothing i planned was carried out.

Its just too hard to achieve what you really want, circumstances do cause a lot of changes dont they?

I hate myself today. I hate myself for being so moody and i hate the cause of it.

able to relate to it??

2007-07-28T17:45:00.000+08:00

thestorytouchedmyheartandleftmiwithmanythoughtsupinmind

2007-07-28T00:39:00.000+08:00

letting go is realli tough

moving on is even harder

its tormenting enough.. y am i still holding on to it..

you never seems to understand how helpless i felt

your blind..

im blind too

2007-07-26T20:20:00.000+08:00

Tell yourself this:

Things will get better..

You deserve better..

You will eventually see the sunshine at the end of a rainy day..

How lonng more can i wait??

somewhereovertherainbow.wayuphigh

2007-07-16T00:14:00.000+08:00

you gotta take the good

with the bad

smile with the sad

love wad you got

and remember wad you had

learn to forgive

but never forget

learn from your mistakes

but never regret

people change, things goes wrong

just remember

life goes on

sound so easy.

sheesh

2007-07-15T21:21:00.000+08:00

suddenly haf this thought

and tat is to eat cup noodle for a mth

think im able to do it?

I WILL!!

fuckoff.

had 2 red apple for dinner today.. (:

tell mi wad shud i do tml?

intoxication again

sigh bigtime.sob

2007-07-15T18:54:00.000+08:00

:') i sound pathetic??

Nah..

Im pathetic!!! To the fucking MAX!!

Not having proper slp for more den a wk..
Or rather, i force myself not to slp..

Staying up lateeee

Countless sticks

Excessive indulgence of alcohol

Freeflow of vomitus, mucus, tears

Dance madness

Zero meaning of interaction

And get WASTED~~~~~~~~~~~

Wahahahahhahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaahahhhhhhahah
hahahhhhhahhhWAhahahahhhahahWahahahah
Waahahhahwaahahahhahahahahahahahaha
Wahahahhahhawahahahwahahaahhahhahahhwahahah

Really feel like laughing at myself.

I'm such a fooooolll, to lovve you soo soo much..
Even when im wif the other someone.

Hurting innocent as well as getting myself wounded over n over again.

Or mayb its not love..

Mayb im just used to having you ard..

BUt still i hate myself for being so weak.. Fucking WEAK!!

Y on earth haf i allow myself to be in this state?

Seems to mi tat the more you're involve in this THING call LOVE the more WEAK n DEPENDANT ones tend to become........

Hated it so much!!!

I shud just stay OUT!!!

Im a fucked up noob in this fuck thing call LOVE..

I will tell myself not to love till i meet someone hu can look after mi in ALL WAYS..
I know its going to be hard..
So this means tat i shud just 4get abt it..

Rite now there's one thing up in my mind..

FInd wayssss to earn money, clear my debts, bills n of cuz my mthly braces fee..

Sigh..

It seems so easy to just say..

BUT how??

When is the fucking agent going to get back to mi with a piece of good news??!!

ARGHHHHHHHH~~~~~

Cant look for part-time job..
I've cancel my student pass and the immigration only extend a mth stay for mi..

End of july still gif me some fucked up news..
Its really GG!!!

AHHhhHHHhhhhh....

MADNESSSSSS......

SHud i go back to pubs?!!!!!!
Afterall money come fast....

Somebody pls SAVE mi b4 i go on rotting...

sobsobsobsobsobsob

After being thru so much.. its only till now den i realise actually all along

you are not the one for me...................................... how sad

veryveryveryvery upset!!

KILL ME

2007-07-11T05:33:00.000+08:00

Sigh..

So, Im still up.. and it like 5.50am rite now..

Totally cant slp

Cant the muhfukin pain juz LEAVE ME ALONE?!!!

I've so much things up in mind to stress abt, now i still haf to entertain this muhfukin pain..

C'mon.. i'm already such a loser, juz spare mi!!??

N for goodness sake when is the fuking agent gonna get back to mi n get things done proper at once..

It's getting on my nerve.. HEll~

I'm like hanging..

Neither here nor there..

Cant get a part-time job either cuz ive cancel my student pass..
N mom's not giving me any allowance since how many donkey mths..

CODE BLUE!!!

Any kind soul? 132244286

So wad now?!!

CONSUME MYSELF YA!!!
*faint*

Shall pop in few more panadols.. jesus

2007-07-11T01:14:00.000+08:00

Always wanted to be the best ger of your life..
Often asking abt your past, wanting to kne more so as to do some self-improvement..
Hoping to be someone really important in your life in your eyes..
However............. sigh~

Totally drenched the other day..
Told myself it's alrite..
Yet im ill..
Have no idea wads goin on..
Head is forever spinning n painful, nausea n feeling cold all the time..

Haf no intention of seeing a doc..

Took lotsa panadols..

I'll be fine.. Like always...

I'm just a screwed up person, living in a screwed up world, leading a screwed up life..

EVONNE!!

Just go and die..

Fucking pathetic soul you've got..

2007-07-09T01:50:00.000+08:00

Some times i really wonder why am i crying so much lately

Crying countlessly every single day/nite

Who says tat crying is a remedy??

NO

I became ill bcuz of it

Its really a torture to cry in silence; to cry quietly

I don wan mom to hear me, the family i'm staying with to hear mi, ppl to hear mi

Its fated i'll nv haf a good life or rather the kind of life i've always wanted for my future family.

Its a sin to ask for pampering

Its a mistake to love

But i believe....
If there's no happy present, where on earth/hell/heaven will we haf a happy future?

Im juz cryingg tooo haarrrddd....

Does anyone out there ever care if im really happy or not??

Mayb i shudn't bother so much abt my emotions..

Feeling neglected, unfairness, unhappiness, unappreciated, mistaken.............JUST

KEEP IT TO YOURSELF tiny evonne

SHALLOW DOWN

2007-07-05T04:24:00.000+08:00

4.30am

Hope i'll be able to turn in now

sigh

nite world~

2007-07-05T01:51:00.000+08:00

Its 2am, i cant sleep.

Sigh

I Miss you!

2007-07-04T05:08:00.000+08:00

Its 5.10am now

I'm still up

All because I'm missing you badly!

2007-06-27T03:26:00.000+08:00

I made many wrong move in life, but i always try to live with my decision and be happy.
I was the luckiest girl on earth when he was mine, by my side 24/7.
But ultimately, i still choose to go, i chose to leave him.
He was like the best thing that God ever given to me.
But i left, despite hurting him and myself. I didnt give him a second chance even when he sadly asked. I left, knowing that i made him cry and i didnt even turn back.
How could i possibly made him feel so down, when he was the light of my gloomy days. How could i possibly leave him, when he tried to make me stay.
He is always forgiving all my mistakes over n over again just because im always being very indecisive in wad i really want in life.
Felt so hurt and jealous to know that he had moved on/soon be moving on.
Knowing that i've been a really mean girl, i still hope that he will still care and love me as before,unconditionally.
Giving you up had been the worst mistake ever. But please trust me, i really don have a choice.
Facing such situation im in now or am going to encounter in future i need to make this move.
Hated extremely, especially doing things under pressure or under no choice kinda circumstances.
Believe me, im being forced to. Its not my intention.
In your eyes i may seems happy with tat him.
Your eyes are deceiving you.
The truth is i may be with tat some other guy but that does not mean that i've moved on.

All i know is that im no longer the happiest and luckiest girl on earth.

I need you in my life.
Be it boyfriend, or just normal friend, seriously i cant be bothered with the status.
All i know is i need you in my life always; past, present, future.
You are glued deep inside me forever.
Its uphold by an invisible chemistry.

2007-06-26T04:27:00.000+08:00

JING JING DE
SILENTLY

空气里躲着什么
Kong qi li duo zhe shen me
What’s hidden in the air?

有点浪漫的心动
You dian lang man de xin dong
There’s a hint of romantic feeling

我偷偷看你
Wo tou tou kan ni
I’m looking at you secretly

你也偷偷看我
Ni ye tou tou kan wo
You’re also secretly looking at me

世界上多了什么
Shi jie shang duo le shen me
Seems like the world’s getting something more

好像变得很不同
Hao xiang bian de hen bu tong
It doesn’t feel the same anymore

站在你身边
Zhan zai ni shen bian
Standing by your side

这一切都好宽阔
Zhe yi qie dou hao kuan kuo
All become so much bigger

我还在等着你
Wo hai zai deng zhe ni
I’m still waiting for you

静静的爱我
Jing jing de ai wo
To love me silently

只要有你陪我
Zhi yao you ni pei wo
So long as you’re by my side

静静的就足够
Jing jing de jiu zu gou
Silently is good enough

你也在等着我
Ni ye zai deng zhe wo
You’re also waiting for

静静的温柔
Jing jing de wen rou
My silent tenderness

就这样手牵手
Jiu zhe yang shou qian shou
Holding hands like this

静静的看着天空
Jing jing de kan zhe tian kong
Silently gazing at the sky

心里面藏着什么
Xin li mian cang zhe shen me
What’s hidden inside this heart?

你只想要让我懂
Ni zhi xiang yao rang wo dong
You are only trying to let me understand

原来我的梦
Yuan lai wo de meng
It turns out that my dream

也就是你的梦
Ye jiu shi ni de meng
Is also yours

纸条上写了什么
Zhi tiao shang xie le shen me
What’s written on this piece of paper?

我好想要听你说
Wo hao xiang yao ting ni shuo
How I wish I could hear you say

让字字句句
Rang zi zi ju ju
Let every word, every sentence

充满我们的笑容
Chong man wo men de xiao rong
Is filled with our smiles

永远要记得那天彼此许下的承诺
Yong yuan yao ji de na tian bi ci xu xia de cheng nuo
Forever we shall remember of the promise we made to each other on that day

瞬间点亮的火花
Shun jian dian liang de huo hua
That sudden, bright spark

是我们的拥有
Shi wo men de yong you
Belongs to us

静静的手牵手
Jing jing de shou qian shou
Holding hands silently

是最简单的梦
Shi zui jian dan de meng
Is the simplest dream

To YOU, mylove

2007-06-26T03:28:00.000+08:00

Yesterday starting from 1am to 3am, National Geographic show, "In the womb".
Showing the process of pregnancy directly through the womb, every single stages.

2 Months....

My baby.....

Miss..

2007-06-23T01:14:00.000+08:00

Missing it so soooo much!!!

VON!!! Whats wrong with you?!!

Can someone please tell me what to do?

Seems like im never contented.

But im really clueless..

I really misses YOU!

2007-06-20T02:05:00.000+08:00

Missing you is just like breathing..

However its painful..

Gud Nite World!

2007-06-17T07:09:00.001+08:00

intoxication is the best way to make yourself happier.

2007-06-17T06:46:00.000+08:00

To YOU,

Why bother asking?
The moment you choose not to help.. You awaken me.

You make me see tat its plain bull-shitting in the past!!

Missing you desperately.. SO WHAT?

Im sucha ass can. Von!! fucking wake up..

2007-06-13T14:04:00.000+08:00

He told you he'll be there for you, lending you a helping hand.

"Whatever he's capable of giving i can do it as well!"
"My love for you is definately many times more then him!"

The actual fact is.. Its all bull-shitting.

I have enough of all this big talks.

Never have it been so clear before.

I'm out!!

2007-06-05T05:13:00.000+08:00

Its 5:30am.
Morning people~
May it be a wonderful day for everyone.

Lately, no longer have cravings for alcohol.
No longer able to take as much liquor as compared to the past.
Smell of it reminds me of sadness, regrets, disappointments, mistakes.
Hated it.

I've found this new love, COFFEE!!
Starting from last week i can hardly survive my day w/o coffee.
I need to take it so badly, so as to fill the emptiness in me with a dash of happiness.
No idea coffee actually does such wonders for me.

Sad to say, there's a price to pay.
With the dash of happiness i've received i've to give away my resting time.
Like what people always say, "you gain some and you loss some". sigh~

2 more hrs, before my alarm goes.
Interview @ NUH later at 9:45am.
Tell me its going to be a good one.
I've been such a retard for going down for interview yest morning when its later on, this morning. *SLAP me

<3 this song.. Have been replaying for the past few days.
The song is effing close to my heart.
Tell me you <3 it too.
sob

2007-06-05T04:22:00.001+08:00

Helping out @ fren's fren club event.

"SCANDALOUS"(2 June 07) @ PAVILION FAREAST SQ.
(more pictures from nightlife.sg photographer, but no idea how to get it? sigh~)

That's PAUL TWOHILL!! goodness~*faint

Faith n Von

I wish i rem her name?

That's the boy im helping out

The Acquaintance

2007-06-05T04:15:00.000+08:00

Nursing Graduation Ceremony 24 May 07

von.mich

von.mich.carita

<3>

jiahui^^ and me

some bollywood super star?? and me.. =X

*sweetness* buk.me

scissors ger VS gun man??

classmate* kenneth.me.TMK

me.meiza =)

classmates* jing.hua.naga

2007-06-05T03:47:00.000+08:00

WEI'

mei you shei nen ba ni qiang li wo shen pang,
ni shi wo de zhuan shu tian shi, wei wo nen du zhen,
mei you shei nen qu dai ni zai wo sing shang,
wei you yi ge zhuan shu tian shi,
wo na li hai xui yao bei de yun wang.

2007-06-02T09:23:00.000+08:00

Last night went down to Civil Service Club to look for mom.
After so many years, today once again i sat quietly beside her for 3 hours, watching her play mahjong. Flash back to my lower primary period.

After dinner, accompany mom for her singing cum drinking session together with her friends.

After this month, wonder when will mom be able to lead this kind of life again?
Will she ever get used to the life back there? Wad kind of entertainment are available at Indonesia for her to kill time?

Speaking of interview previously, I just realise i've misplaced my BCLS cert while packing my stuff. Threw many things. Those once precious to mi ive decided to threw it all away as well. Effing sad about it but i rather choose not to think about it. No point. Afterall its for my own good.

I guess i threw my cert as well.

(!!!!!!)Remember to write a memo back to school to request another issue of BCLS cert. sigh.

2007-06-02T07:54:00.000+08:00

Moving on.
Picking yourself up.

How much courage, strength and effort is needed.

Trading any thing even its your sleep, your time, your precious health just to divert the pain and misery that had already been engraved into your heart and thought so deeply.

Taken as an act?!

Totally ignorant of whats going on.

What do you want from me?

Taking the extra steps from the cliff, into the deep sea?! or Off the building?

Maybe thats wad you want.

VANISH for good.

2007-06-01T16:19:00.001+08:00

Finally Im going to have an interview with NUH and National Skin Centre.
May it be a successful one.

2 June 07, which is tomorrow there's this outdoor party; SCANDALOUS @ PAVILION FAREAST SQUARE. Information provided belong.

Interested to club please contact mi through my gmail, leaving me you contact no. as well as the no, of people going down. Will help you guys get the tickets.

Any ladies out there, be it my friends or strangers who came across this mail and is interested to work for this event for just one night as a data collector. Please email mi as well. Stating your name, contact no. and a presentable picture of yourself. The pay is $10/hr. Starting from 8pm to 2am.

CLUB PARTY

Froplay Productions proudly brings you

"SCANDALOUS"
at
PAVILION FarEast Square
The first big Out-of-Club underage
dance party of the year.

With the DJ spinning the Top 40
HipHop, RnB and Reggae hits all night.
Dance along to your favourite beat
with a thousand other pulsating bodies.

Catch the bartenders as they put up
their fiery & skilful flaring
performances.
Be entertained by hot rocking
celebrity bands like The Sexies,
Heritage and 80% Alcohol.

Join in the fun as funky HipHop and
StreetDancers set the temperature
rising for the night.

Dress Up. Get Spotted. And get your
glamour shots taken by the
Nightlife.sg photographers.

Be sure to look out for the fabulous 1
for 1 drink deals happening throughout
the night.

Three bottles of Absolut Vodka to be
won through our exciting games.

From 8pm till late.
For those 16 and above.

Hosted by Paul Twohill.

All you hot babes and hunks. Be there.

Pre-sales: 20 SGD
Door-sales: 25 SGD
Each ticket comes with a free standard
drink.

Supported By PartiesOnWheels, Four
Sounds Entertainment & Skywalker Drums
Academy.

Official Online Media: Nightlife.sg

2007-06-01T07:46:00.000+08:00

Now Im the Bitch..

I understand.

Yes, retribution coming my way.

Im sure you will be a happy man w/o me.

Sorry.

2007-05-31T05:51:00.000+08:00

Im crying.
Crying crying out so badly.
So torturing.
Breathless n so smashed up.
The tightness over my chest is unbearable.
He's gone.
I pushed him out of my life.

All thanks to the joke from Father God.

This is wad i've choosen and i've to bare the consequences.

Hardships, sufferings, sacrifices.. Its all karma.

I've deleted my friendster account.

2007-05-30T15:28:00.000+08:00

Let bygone be bygone.
Not going to talk or recall about the past. Its way too tormenting for me.
Seriously right now im left with nothing.
Just one stinky life, i guess.
Either i allow it to go on rotting, or do something wise to rescue it.
Yah, after going one big round you just have to say this yourself. "I'll stand by you"
Yes! you standing by yourself.

Ok i did my part. Sending out resume to all the hospitals that came to my mind, even IMH. Staying up late just to fill up the online application that pissed the hell outta me, they simply love to come up with some redundant questions.
Anyhow that doesnt really matter. So long they get back to me soon soon soon before my student pass expire. Sigh.

Very soon Bro will be back from Malaysia to accompany mom back to Indonesia to settle her stay there. And i'll be moving out soon, living all by myself w/o my mom. Sigh.
If nothing went wrong it will be by mid June.
Will be renting a master room, however i'll be able to enjoy the entire house all by myself as the owner will only be back on weekends. Coolness!

19 years old and i have to stay all by myself, taking care of all my needs all by myself w/o my mom by my side. Its freaking me out. Its tough. To make things worst mom is going to be financially dependent on me!! Me? Awww.. how much can an EN earn??
I still have to save up for my Dip fees in future. Double sigh.
When will i ever fulfill my dream in becoming a stewardesses?? Millions of sigh. SOb

LOVING YOU
kawasaki

2007-04-21T02:00:00.000+08:00

A new job (the kitchen station @ St James Power Station)

Mo.ren still love Mo.ren the most..
A big THANK YOU frm Mo.ren to Mo.ren. ^^

2007-04-20T03:01:00.000+08:00

Mo.ren is angry with Mo.ren

This time round Mo.ren is reaaallllyyy freaking pissed with Mo.ren

Mo.ren is being real cold to Mo.ren

It really scares Mo.ren

Its as thou Mo.ren haf turn into a heartless monster

Mo.ren is so hurt

Mo.ren cant seems to be able to turn in

Mo.ren cried badly

Mo.ren is missing Mo.ren badly, yet theres nth can be done

Mo.ren is really helpless

Mo.ren feels so sorry for being so crude with the words said to Mo.ren

Guess it affected Mo.ren badly resulting such treatment

However Mo.ren can be a dumb ass at times

No matter wad its nv Mo.ren's intention to be so mean to Mo.ren

Mo.ren is truely sorry

Mo.ren seek Mo.ren's forgiveness

Mo.ren is so fighten

Mo.ren is so hungry as well

SIGH~

2007-04-15T23:46:00.000+08:00

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream tat u dream of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams tat u dream of
Dreams really do come true

Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams tat u dare to
Oh y oh y cant i

And i see trees of green red roses too
How much they bloom for mi and u
ANd i think to myself
What a wonderful world

While i see skies of blue n clouds of white
And the brightness of day unlike the dark at night
Think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shakin' hands saying "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I.. I love you"

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams tat u dare to
Oh y oh y cant i

2007-04-15T01:48:00.000+08:00

Things happened

Mistakes done

There's no way back, No turning back

Be brave

Learn from it

Move on

No more complaining

No more dissatisfaction

Appreciate present n be blessed

She's pregnant

I blive she will be fine soon

Lord, please be with her.

Love her n guide her.

She need You!

2007-04-02T22:37:00.000+08:00

Im so tired!!
Sense tat im falling ill.. sigh.. Yet i did nth to it..
Continue having late nights..
Taking alcohol as if its water..
Consuming really unhealthy food.. superly fried n spicy..
NUTZ~

Juz cant stop pigging..
Im uber sure tat i've grown side ways!!
Its frightening..
I kne it myself...
But i cant stop myself frm eating..
Forever craving for food..
Even when i feel tat my tummy is goin to burst in no time i still go on stuffing food into my mouth.. Simply don gif a shit abt the harm i've cause to my body..
Juz wad is wrong wif mi??
M i goin thru some sort of depression??
Cant be..
I don feel the stress at all..
Mayb its a kind of unnoticable silent stress?!!
Haa... juz see wad shit im toking abt.. sigh..

Anyhow, im fcuking ashame of myself..
I feel tat im a weaky.. No longer m i involve in any form of sports or healthy exercises..
Forever sitting down wif food on my hands.. even basic exercise like walking i've food in my hands.. Ever ready to stuff it into my mouth.. Argh~
Doubt my lung, heart is functioning well..
Doubt i'll enjoy running n perspiring tat much..
I hate this ME!!
Wr's the psycho runner gone to??
Wr's the sun kiss biatch??

Ook..
Tell mi to go on diet!!
C'mon i've to slim down..
More sit ups, more push ups, more running, more swimming, more SUN!!
BUt when??
ARGH~
MAyb i shud start off wif one meal/day??

Enuff of all this demoralizing stuff..
SOmething much more impt..
ooK.. i've decided to retake my O's..
Finally i've come to sense after wasting 2 yrs..
Its ook.. its nv too late if i haf this strong will n heart to accomplish it..^^
So, i've registered online..
Retaking eng, maths, bio..
Ppl wish mi luck ya..^^
LOVE~

I guess its really goodbye to NP..
Tml i'll go online n reg for higher nitec in bio-chem..
Its ITE simie again.. SIGH~
Anyhow, i've decided to work really really hard for this new sch term.. I shud stop throwing my own face.. Its time to pull up my stocking..=P
No point kept malu myself when i kne im something deep inside..
I've the potential in doin well in the things im responsible for n im fuk sure im a capable person..
YEAH!!! haaa...

AHhh wadever.. =P
Alrite, Shall update on wad i've been engaging for the past few days/wks..
Meet up wif *jd
K-box n drinking at cine till gone wasted..
I guess due to the blurness or pure stupidity i tripped n fell off the effing bed..
N im blessed wif this HUGE, enormous, gigantic purplish bump on my left leg..
OOOUUUCCCHHH!!!!
DAmmn pain la...
Luckily the swell subsided after days of massages by some really sweet ppl..^^
THX~
N im so happy tat i've catch this movie 'freedom writers'..
Watch it wid my beloved sec sch mates..^^
I kinda overrated it b4 i even watch it..
Some kind of disappointment..
BUt its a great movie afterall..
Rate: 3.5/5
Oh, b4 movie we had dinner tgt @ longjohn(COmbo2)..
Im so mountain tortise la.. 1st time eating C2.. haa.. The Fish taste realy niceee compared to the chicken.. Guess i'll nv wanna eat C1 again..
So, after the movie. We cab down to fisherman village to chill..
Drinking tgt wif finger food, chicken wings..(damn tasty la.. no joke)

NX GATHERING!! This coming FRIDAY!!
WoooHOoo~
Vodka wif mango? OR MArtel greentea? + their tasty CHICKEN WINGS!!
SLuRRp~

ilu *jw
MUACCCKKZZ!!

*a/w for my period to come!!!*
HEADACHE

Ohhh.. almost forgotten..
Im seen in golden high lighted hair for 3 days..
Freaking lian can.. eeEeW!!
Now its finally back to normal..
NIce n decent..
Blackish red =)
AHh.. im getting lazy.. guess i ate too much..
So much to say.. but..
Alrite, keep it short..
I've injured my head few days back..
Had a cut n its BLEEDING!!! (ahhhhh)
But im fine now..
Now left wif a itching scar..
Thou bleeding has stop but the pain is still on off..
Sigh..

Found a job..
Haf been working @ DHL for a wk..
This "Crown Dental Clinic" finaaly get back to mi to get more info..
Shud i take up this part-time dental assistant job??
I haf this strong feeling tat they will be calling back again to recruit me..
How??
The DHL thingy haf been realy smooth..
Today there's this higher mister offer me a better position..
The current stuff in-charge of tat position is leaving soon n he hope tt i can take over it n be a long term staff there..
Ahhh.. totally crazy!!
Shall see..
Anyhow tml i'll be working at a new department..
Hope im fast n smart enuff to register wad is expected n do well in it..
WIsh me luck!! ^^

I stinks la..
Shower time..
Ciaoz~

2007-03-21T16:34:00.000+08:00

Sigh~

I've got a fuk D grade for my clinical posting..

All thx to my MCs.. Well done ah Naga -.-

Come to think of it i shud haf gotten a A or at least a B grade, if not for my MCs..

I've ruin this chapter of my life.. jux like how i ruin mine during my Os..

Y m i so easily effected n disturbed by the surrounding temptation?

Y aint i dicipline enuff to stay focus in my studies throughout?

When will i ever stop the on/off kinda behaviour?!!

Im juz this imature lil sickening ger..

So im saying goodbye to Ngee Ann poly.. Bye to NPDB..

Sigh~

I effing wanna get into the team can!!! URGH~

BUt, i find it really strange..

The old mi will definately go thru depression for a period of time upon seeing this fuk grade..

I wud haf been cursing n swearing those fuk ppl..

Yet, i get over it really fast..

Mayb i've learn to take things more easily as well as look on the brighter side of life..

Its a good thing.. Agree?! HAaa~

Anyhow i shud get out of denial NOW n start seeking for other alternatives..

So this r the plans in mind..

Practical? Fantasy? Ahhh.. don care la... Shall see..

(1) Private Dental Nurse (wr n earth i get such offer?)

(2) Airline (juz ned many many luck, apportunities n grooming??)

(3) Higher Nitec in Bio-Chen (ITE!! not again*sob*)

Actually its obvious la..

Sure its goin to be no.(3)..

U see.. im a person fuk blessed wif self-awareness..

I kne tat getting into airline is like so far beyond my reach, thou ppl haf been saying u'll make it.. Go for it..

How true can it be?

Its nv a piece of cake..

Moreover, in order for my mom to continue staying here wif mi.. i gotta be a student studying here in singapore..

N for the time being i don haf the confident to part frm her..

I'll definately turn into a fuk worst person frm now..

SoOOo.. Effing get mi into poly laaa.. Aiyooo..

HOHOoHO

Tml is the last day of my 4 days replacement!!

To be frank i've always enjoyed replacement..

Kne the reason y??

Bcuz im the ONLY STUDENT!!!

I don haf to work wif some effing student..

I took charge of my assign job fast n steady..

Im able to work at the same pace as the staff..

Im full of satisfaction!!

K enuff of the shiokness..

Getting a job soon!!

Really own him soO So much!!

He's super nice..

Nice to the extreme he's gonna be my life time fren..*i promise*

Forever helping me when im in need..

-->Case study

-->MCs, letters

-->$

-->some of my personal r/s, family problems n many many more..^^

RITE?!!

MR AH MEN!! =D

*Don always say i like to bully u la.. Juz tat i feel really comfortable being wif u.. So i've no intention in hiding anyting.. N i'll juz shot, wanting u to be a better person.. So, no harm..* heee

In the process of clearing debts..

Ger.. patient patient k.. ^^

LOve u *jh

--------------------------------------------

Really nice of *a for the movie treat..^^
"stomp the yard" is definately a MUST WATCH movie..
NICE~
Rate: 4/5

Watched the movie "300" as well..
i muz say its a really nice movie..
Rate:3.7/5

So i've decided to gif up "bld n chocolate" for another better movie,"Freedom Writers"- AWAITING! =)

----------------------------------------------

24 May 07 : Graduation Day..
Nehnehpok... Damnnn loOoonnNggG laaa~
URGH~

25 March 07 : Big Biig day for mi.. *interview with Faj*
May all the luck come upon mi on this veri important day!!

2007-03-20T22:42:00.000+08:00

Last Day @ Ward 38

------------------------------------------------------

2007-03-11T14:32:00.000+08:00

Let us not love

with words or tougue

But with actions

and truth

I hope its not a mistake to let u go

2007-03-09T03:08:00.000+08:00

2007-03-09T01:15:00.000+08:00

Wad do u think of this song?

SWEET! NICE!

Loving it =D

Frm the movie : Music n Lyrics

Watched it today at vivo.. All thx to *a!! ^^

Im like so into this movie can!!

Love it =)

Effing heartwarming, touching, hilarious.

Definately worth watching..

Rate: 4.5/5

*all i wanna do is find my way back into love*

I love today!!

It haf been a great day for mi =D

Start my day smiling, end my day smiling as well!! lalala~

Happy lil'ger!

Morning *jw send mi to work as usual

N i've breakfast.. all thx to *jw!!

Sausage muffin..(my fav) YAM YAM~ =)

Finally haf break wif roofy again!!

I Love You RUTH~

Oh.. rem the white adidas watch i've tok abt back in my long overdue post?

Thou i still din get the chance to own one, bcuz its too ex.. BUT.. today i get the chance to wear it!!

All thx to roofy..

She agree to lend mi for a day..

Wooo, it feels so gd to haf it on my wrist.. haa *insane*

How i wish............ sigh~

Went back to sch ard 2pm for graduation briefing..

Happy to see becca n jiahui =) *serious*

We're all graduating sooonn!! Veri soon!!

BUT!!!

Providing i finish my replacement.. sigh~

5 more extra days.. *slap myself*

Glad to be in contact wif *jd once again..

Forever bz bz bz..

Nbm, so long i kne im being missed by you!

LOVE~

Meeting up soon!!

*sw.. Its really my blessing to haf u..

Sorry for being selfish n heartless at times..

U kne i don haf a choice?!

Movie: Hannibal rising

Go catch it!!

Rate: 4/5

Nx pending movie : BLOOD N CHOCOLATE!^^

-------------------------------------------

SInce this is my blog.. i've decided to post some of me.myself.i pictures..

Recently took afew pic of only myself.. *veri rare of mi to do tat*

2007-03-08T23:00:00.000+08:00

Some over due pictures not long ago..

(cousin.me)

(szewei.me)

(my nyps)

2007-03-05T23:45:00.000+08:00

I haf to learn to pay more attention to those hu r now ard me by my side loving me unconditionally..

Rather den keep thinking abt the ppl in the past hu haf treat me well..

Such ppl r history..

Treasure now and move forward..

Goodbye mrhuang~ u still prefer her

My care n concern means nth at all

Juz shower..

Fresh n clean now =)

Played bball wif *jw..

I muz say he's effing PRO la!!^^

Attacking the phone b4 i hit the bed..

NIte my frenz

Simulation training tml, 8-4..

May it be a smooth n peacful one..

Fuck off.. *S and *P.T.. Don ever ruin my day!!

2007-02-28T21:07:00.000+08:00

Life is indeed colourful

We know we're never alone

They aint close friends
Friends hu get to know of each other through attachment
Different sch/class, diff personality, diff individual

Yet they're a bunch of HAPPY ppl =)

------------------------------

You haf no idea how important u gers meant to me..

Becca

Jiahui

I do treasure n appreciate all the kindness n goodness frm u girls..

TRUST ME!!

Im still alive.. not dead..

I can sense it!! ^^

Promise i'll put in more effort ook..

L.O.V.E!~

2007-02-28T20:24:00.000+08:00

Yest nite was my last nite duty..

Manage to gather some info for my case study.. (Due: 2nd March)

Again this morning *jw fetch mi home.. =)

Slpt all the way till 4+, awaken by phone calls. >.<

Its raining!!

Therefore not goin out?!

Juz realise i've lost my O levels statement of result..

DAmn~

One of this days i've to make plans to travel all the way down to yishun to get my O's cert..

Lazy!!

Tml om.. work till 12pm, after tat back to sch for class photo taking..

Hope its professionally done.. unlike previous..

If not.. it's a total waste of time..

Initially was really excited to see the rest of my classmate..

BUt.. its already unlike the past..

There's distance, gaps between us..

How m i suppose to face them?

Sometimes, somehow we juz feel tat we, ourselves r the victim..

Effort being put in was nv being recognised..

Feelings of taken for granted, abandon, unappreciated r always within us..

Blaming every single soul but not ourself..

Guess its all due to miscommunication as well as lack of understanding..

We shud all jus stop deceiving ourselves!

A/w HOPES n MIRACLE~

2007-02-27T18:15:00.000+08:00

Juz woke up..

My 1st nite was effing cold, hungry n blur vision..

It wasnt veri bz.. i guess cuz its B class ward..

We don haf to shower the patient early morning.. So basically wad we did for the entire duty is to take para, hypoC, topping up of charts, changing, ECG, set new pack of N/S or potassium.. Tats abt it..

Oh, reason for my blur vision, cuz im wearing this super over-due contact lens.. so whenever nite time it will be abit blur.. N i haf to keep blinking my eyes to make it clear..-_-"

Anyhow, tats not impt.. So long i still can see.. =)

I found out something!!!

During nite time the toilet auto flushes more den day time..

Freaking n annoying~

Ah, tats not impt either.. haa

End my shift at 7am.

*jw came to fetch me frm work..haa, he's my super hero la!! ^^

Always there for mi whenever im *tired or *gone wasted..

I really hope he will learn to take gd care of himself more as well.. slp more, drink more water..

Stop all the unhealthy lifestyle..

Hope sooO ba.. =]

Niwae, thank you soOO much~

So we went for breakfast.. prata at some random simei coffee shop..

Homesweethome~ zZzz

Kor juz came back frm Batam..^^

He's now off for meeting..

Definately gonna be fuck up side down by the boss..

Suppose to report for work yest.. yet he's still at Batam hafing fun.. Sheesh~ Old man liao still no sense of responsibility.. =P

Sigh~ So sad.. Tml kor is starting work.. he will be away frm us back to malaysis again.. Wonder this time round how long he will take to come back for holi..

When he's back again will i still be here in singapore?

Working? Schooling?

Wr will mom be? Here or There?

Hu will i be living wif?

Them? By myself? or still wif mom?

Will mom still be wif *U.R??

Will i ever change my attiude??!

Juz pray hard tat there's no major changes..

Adios Ppl~

Shower time n off to work..

Yes.. my jacket!! haa.. No more cold nite for mi. =)

PS: Roofy is back on attachment again.. which means, blissful time!! =D

-------------------------------------

(A song close to my heart:"thevoicewithin")

Young girl don’t cry

I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall

Young girl it’s alright

Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream

Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems

No one ever wants or bothers to explain

Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:

When there’s no one else, look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within

Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way

You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide

You’ll never change if you just run away

Young girl just hold tight

Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed

It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid

No one reaches out a hand for you to hold

When you look outside look inside to your soul

Chorus
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go

As long as you’re learning

You’ll find all you’ll ever need to know

(be strong)

You’ll break it

(hold on)

You’ll make it

Just don’t forsake it because

No one can tell you what you can’t do

No one can stop you, you know that I’m talking to you

Chorus
Young girl don’t cry I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall